I grew up in Los Angeles a hopeless romantic with my head completely tilted towards the sky and a duplicate of “Romeo and Juliet” worn from rereading. I devoured that guide far too younger and believed in it far too earnestly. Soulmates weren’t simply an thought — they have been a promise. I believed in love that defied purpose and timing, in glances throughout rooms that modified the course of your life, in poetry etched into each heartbeat.
However by 21, the fairy story had began to crack. A traumatic expertise with a person I had trusted shattered my sense of security and need. For 3 years, I withdrew from relationship fully. I advised individuals I used to be “specializing in myself,” which was true partly, nevertheless it was additionally a protect. I used to be afraid — afraid of being seen, of being wished, of wanting again. I felt like a locked door that I didn’t even bear in mind the way to open.
Nonetheless, regardless of how deeply I buried it, I couldn’t cease craving the very factor I feared most: love. The actual form. The sweeping, soul-consuming form I had all the time dreamed of. The type that felt like coming dwelling.
Then I moved into an actors’ home in Los Feliz — an exquisite sort of chaos solely L.A. may produce. 4 roommates, every chasing a special dream, all of us messy, artistic and making an attempt to make one thing of ourselves. Certainly one of them had simply arrived from Australia. I nonetheless bear in mind the primary time I noticed him — tall, sun-kissed pores and skin, darkish golden curls, movie-star smile and a voice that made all the pieces sound like a love tune. Even “move the almond milk” felt flirtatious coming from him.
He had that magnetic vitality — the type that makes you flip your head in a crowded room with out even realizing why. He was already well-known again dwelling, however right here he was ranging from scratch. That vulnerability, blended along with his appeal, made him unimaginable to not discover. I didn’t simply discover. I used to be drawn in like a tide to the moon.
We began spending time collectively, at first simply casually, however then consistently. Hikes by Griffith Park, conversations that began over espresso and lasted till 2 a.m. within the kitchen. Walks by Silver Lake the place our arms brushed simply barely too lengthy. He listened intently. He remembered little particulars I’d mentioned in passing. He checked out me like I used to be a narrative he wished to learn slowly.
And someplace in the midst of all of that, I began to really feel it — these delicate, fluttering butterflies that made it laborious to breathe round him. The sort of feeling I assumed I’d misplaced ceaselessly. I’d catch myself looking at him, not even making an attempt to cover it. My coronary heart would do that little skip when he laughed at my jokes or checked out me too lengthy. I began to marvel: Is that this it? Might he be the one?
I couldn’t even see different guys anymore. He had warped my radar. Each tune jogged my memory of him. My thoughts raced forward, imagining a future that didn’t even exist but — a montage of quiet mornings, lengthy walks, possibly even transferring again to Australia with him. It was utterly unhinged and but felt undeniably actual.
One evening, we have been sitting on the sofa after everybody else had gone to mattress. A film performed softly within the background, one thing neither of us was actually watching. There was an extended silence — not awkward, simply full — after which he turned to me, his eyes looking mine.
“I actually such as you,” he mentioned, barely above a whisper.
I felt my coronary heart seize up. I didn’t transfer. I didn’t breathe.
He leaned in slowly, giving me time to fulfill him midway.
However I couldn’t. I froze.
Simply earlier than our lips touched, I gently pulled again and regarded away.
“Sorry,” I mentioned, barely audible.
He paused for a second, then gave me the softest smile. “It’s OK,” he mentioned with out lacking a beat. “No stress, all proper? Let’s simply faux that didn’t occur.”
And identical to that, we moved on. No awkwardness. No stress. He dealt with it with such grace that, if something, I appreciated him extra. It felt like affirmation that he actually noticed me — not simply as somebody to overcome, however somebody price being affected person with.
However a number of days later, the shine began to fade.
We have been sitting on the again steps one afternoon when he talked about, nearly in passing, “There’s one thing I ought to in all probability inform you. I’ve a girlfriend.”
I blinked. “Wait … what?”
“She lives in Germany,” he mentioned, voice quiet. “It’s been 4 years. We’ve been long-distance for some time. It’s sort of on the rocks, however … we’re nonetheless technically collectively.”
Technically.
I felt the underside drop out of my chest. My thoughts scrambled to attach dots, rearranging each candy second below this new mild.
I attempted to course of it, however I wasn’t indignant — not but. Simply surprised. Numb. I nodded, mentioned one thing like, “Thanks for telling me,” and excused myself to my room.
However then the nights began to alter.
At first, I assumed I used to be imagining it. However after that dialog, the vitality in the home shifted. Nearly each evening, I’d hear new voices. Laughter. Generally flirtatious whispers within the hallway. One evening, I handed a woman within the kitchen making toast at 1 a.m. in his hoodie. She smiled politely. I didn’t ask questions.
It grew to become a sample. A distinct lady, nearly each evening. He’d meet them on Raya or Tinder. Lovely, charismatic girls, most of them aspiring actors or fashions. I by no means heard him brag about it. He wasn’t showy. However it was unmistakable — he was spiraling into one thing.
And I couldn’t cease watching.
A part of me was devastated, despite the fact that I had no declare to him. I’d been imagining a future. I had began to consider he was my soulmate. However this wasn’t what soulmates did. Soulmates didn’t deal with individuals like rotating doorways.
Ultimately, throughout one in all our uncommon quiet nights alone, I introduced it up.
“Hey,” I mentioned gently. “Are you OK?”
He paused, looking at his arms. Then, with shocking openness, he admitted, “I believe I’ve an issue.”
He defined that intercourse was like a compulsion for him. That he’d been utilizing it to deal with nervousness, loneliness, the chaos of this metropolis. That it made him really feel higher — for a second. However by no means for lengthy. He regarded up at me, eyes uncooked.
“I’m making an attempt to get a deal with on it,” he mentioned. “However it’s laborious.”
I sat beside him, silent. Not judging. Simply listening.
He wasn’t merciless. Simply deeply misplaced. One of many many individuals on this metropolis chasing one thing they couldn’t fairly identify. He wished to be beloved, identical to me. He simply didn’t know the way to be protected with it.
I used to be relieved we hadn’t crossed that line. That I’d saved one piece of myself intact. However it additionally marked one thing ultimate. The second I ended significantly contemplating relationship a person in Los Angeles.
I nonetheless love this metropolis. I nonetheless take the identical walks. Nonetheless linger in cafes, hoping for one thing delicate and honest to chop by the noise. However I don’t fall for fantasies anymore, particularly not the type wrapped in accents and charisma.
The charming, sex-addicted Australian man? He’s nonetheless one in all my closest pals. We by no means kissed. We by no means even talked about it a lot.
Experiencing romance is unquestionably one of many finer issues in life, nevertheless it’s not all the time essentially the most fulfilling. Soulmates present up in lots of types, and typically the realest love one will expertise is with a canine or a member of the family or a platonic buddy and that’s OK. All love is nice love.
The creator is an actor and author dwelling in Los Angeles. She grew up within the metropolis, nonetheless believes in love (typically) and takes too many lengthy walks by Silver Lake and Los Feliz.
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