After not talking to me for 4 years, my ex-boyfriend Adam texts me that he’s on the town and asks to get lunch. Earlier than I take into consideration how badly this particular person mistreated me throughout our 2½-year relationship, the injury he precipitated to my confidence and self-worth, I’m typing the phrase “Canter’s.”
Then I textual content a joke about menu gadgets, and he responds, “You’ve upped your humorous recreation.” And the whiplash of this extremely blatant particular person is all of the sudden again in my life.
After we had been courting again in Chicago, he by no means got here to my comedy reveals and barely even acknowledged that I did comedy, which despatched the message that he didn’t suppose I used to be humorous. (And wow, how beneficiant is he to say that I’m type of humorous now! ) However that is the brand new me 4 years later, and I’m not going to let his remark harm my emotions.
I’m assured. I’m in cost. So I textual content him again: “All the things’s been upped.”
I meet him at Canter’s on Fairfax Avenue, a spot too pure for this rendezvous, and am stunned by his look. He appears 20 years older than he did 4 years in the past. In my head, I’m considering, “This is smart. The ugliness inside him has deteriorated his bodily physique.” It is probably not an excellent signal that I believe this particular person is so ugly on the within that it’s rotting his outdoors. And but there I used to be.
Desk for 2, please! I sit throughout from him and see the twinkle in his eye is gone. It’s that twinkle that acquired me into this mess within the first place. He would have a look at me, and I might be so taken by his enjoyable, mischievous, unpredictability. I’m relieved the twinkle is gone, so I can stay in management! I’m additionally relieved as a result of maybe which means he’s now on some remedy.
Throughout our relationship, he had intense temper swings however by no means sought remedy aside from copious quantities of Miller Excessive Life, which — get this — made issues worse. He would change into a terror. Typically he would fake to be a child, like a literal child, speaking like one, appearing helpless, rolling round on the ground. Different occasions, he’d relish saying imply issues or selecting fights. His buddies even had a nickname for him when he turned evil: Dangerous Adam.
Sitting throughout from him at Canter’s, I additionally discover he seems to be a bit cross-eyed, which I discover ironic as a result of I at all times thought he had a wandering eye. I’m critical: He would consistently flirt with different girls whereas we had been courting, consistently evaluate me to his exes. One time he implied that I wasn’t as sensible as his ex as a result of I “didn’t learn as many books.”
I’ll always remember the time I heard him communicate to a feminine good friend on the cellphone in a method I’d by no means been spoken to earlier than — so candy. To me, he was dismissive. Each time he sneezed, I might say, “Bless you,” and he wouldn’t reply. I believed, “Perhaps he doesn’t know that’s the usual change?” Then one time, he sneezed, and my cousin mentioned, “Bless you.” And he mentioned, “Thanks.” I couldn’t imagine it. This entire time — each sneeze — he had been ignoring me.
I inform him I dwell alone (I had lately ended a long-term relationship), and he very clearly lights up. That’s after I settle for that this lunch is likely to be greater than only a catchup. He then acknowledges he wasn’t the perfect boyfriend and that he feared he “ruined males” for me.
I wish to say, “The one factor you ruined for me was you!” However I don’t as a result of now he’s tearing up. The one different time I’ve seen him cry was when he broke up with me (the primary time) as a result of I “didn’t get mad at him sufficient.”
We find yourself splitting the test. I inform him I’m pursuing comedy right here in L.A., and he asks if I’ve any reveals taking place whereas he’s on the town. I truly do have an improv present at Upright Residents Brigade, but it surely’s an enormous gamble to ask him to it. It’s improv and I’m new to it. However possibly I can lastly present him what I’m able to. I invite him!
The improv present has a tough begin. It’s Memorial Day, so we hand out sweet firstly of the present for some godforsaken motive, after which we will’t hear what anybody is saying onstage as a result of the sweet being unwrapped is so loud. Lastly, the noise dies down, and I lock in. I inform my scene accomplice, “You by no means gave me a single praise!” That is one thing I would like Adam to listen to, in fact.
I’m not courageous sufficient to say it to his face, so I’ll say it in a make-believe breakup scene. “You by no means even instructed me you liked me!” I boldly say as I waddle as a result of I’m additionally enjoying a penguin. The laughter is tepid at finest.
After the present, my improv teammates and I head to a bar, and I invite Adam. He agrees to hitch however acts like he doesn’t wish to be there. As soon as once more, I really feel like I’m not adequate. Previous me would have internalized this, however four-years-later me is aggravated. I’m truly amazed at how impolite he’s behaving, how overtly he’s ignoring my pals. He makes a cellphone name, and I hear him say, “I’m someplace I don’t wish to be.”
We stand in awkward silence at Birds on Franklin Avenue, and I’m actually kicking myself for this entire escapade. Why did I comply with lunch? To point out him how properly I’m doing? Perhaps I believed he’d be a greater model of himself, and we may begin one thing anew? However he’s truly a worse model. Or I’m simply seeing him extra clearly. What I really need is for him to cease having any energy over me. I wish to be rid of him. After which he turns to me and says, “Will you marry me?”
And I say, “What?”
It’s essentially the most absurd factor I’ve ever heard. After which he repeats himself, “Will you marry me.”
“No,” I say, my disbelief obvious. He’s quiet, then he turns round and heads for the door. Then he throws his arms into the air and shouts, “I’m freeee!” Like how a toddler would possibly say “Wheeee!” whereas being pushed round in a purchasing cart.
Did I simply launch him from a curse? Wait, does he truly suppose he was the cursed one right here? I really feel as if I’ve been the one trapped on this hell, attempting to impress this man for seven years. I at all times acquired so little from him and assumed there was at all times an opportunity to get extra. Extra consideration, extra validation, extra love.
That’s why I acquired lunch with him. It was an opportunity for extra. However this haphazard proposal, with no ring, no motive, at a random bar? After which he doesn’t get the response he needs and runs out flailing, like a toad that lastly acquired turned again into a person? I’m the one who’s been let out now that it’s abundantly clear: There isn’t any extra.
The writer is a humorist, author and filmmaker in Los Angeles. She’s on Instagram at @alexajloftus and on TikTok at @alexajloftus.
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